The Terrible Tornado Vs The Biological Clock
by DawnKay
Summary: Tatsumaki wants a child and Saitama is a man. A moronic man but a man nonetheless. Everyone has their uses, even Baldy. (Not smut, surprisingly but rated M for the suggestion. This may stay a one shot, may be expanded. Who knows?)


_Story Behind the Story: So I wrote this like a year ago and believe me, it was a lot more graphic. I think I posted it somewhere online but I cannot remember where. I kind of forgot about it until the other day when I checked my old PC and found it just sitting prettily in a folder. I decided to edit it drastically (and cut out the incredibly naughty bits) and post it here. And ta-da! A totally uninspired story for your viewing. Well at least, if I recall correctly, I had fun writing it even if it was only written as a challenge_.

* * *

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Time was running out.

She may have still looked young, but she was in her thirties now, and no one could hear the biological clock ticking quite so loudly as Tatsumaki herself. It was enough to drive her absolutely crazy. Even more so was the idea that she had gone this long without giving into this desire – especially when she was usually not the sort of person to deny herself anything.

Except, in this case, it wasn't entirely her fault. Usually, when Tatsumaki wanted something, she would find a way to get it. But carrying the weight of an S-Class Hero meant giving up a few indulgences every now and then. A well earned classification that she would never complain about but maybe... Well, maybe she wouldn't be in this position if other people would stop having problems – but there were problems in the world, and she took great pleasure out of kicking them in the teeth.

But she had gone long enough denying herself. She was going to get what she wanted, what she needed, and she was not going to let anyone get in her way. Every day that squeaked past was just more lost time.

Children.

Most people (wrongfully) assumed that she never wanted anything to do with children. Of course, most people still mistook her for a child. But she couldn't correct every damn idiot in the world.

That was what brought her to Baldy's doorstep at this particular date, at this particular time. Tatsumaki knew from some intel (NOT STALKING, thank you very much!) that Saitama's cyborg lackey was typically out of the apartment at this time of the day, and today was no exception. So that meant it would be just her and Saitama in the apartment.

Just her and Baldy.

Badly - Or rather Saitama was not only a baldy, but he was also the biggest idiot of all time. And while it had been a while since she had properly spoken to him, she doubted he had done anything to improve that blank, listless stare that was arguably the most interesting part of his face.

He was nowhere near her caliber of course, but she was prepared to climb him like a tree and sink her nails into his back if that was what it took to wring what she wanted out of him. Hopefully, it wouldn't take long. She had been thinking about it all afternoon and it was enough to make her stomach queasy. She was already going to have to do her best not to vomit as soon as he dropped his pants. With her luck, she would keep her breakfast down and vomit sparkly colored feelings all over him instead.

That would be a joy, she thought sarcastically. Genuine attachment to someone with a head like a ripe cantaloupe.

He opened the door. Tatsumaki did not even give him two minutes to process what was going on. She stepped forward, her small feet nearly trampling his, her voice escalating shrilly as her passion and anxiety swelled together.

"Look here, Baldy – I'm not interested in what your excuses may be about all of the better things you have to do this afternoon. And by the way, I know you have nothing to do because this city is dead right now! Anyway, we are going to go into that room," she pointed ahead, not even bothering to determine whether or not it was actually the bedroom first, "and I am going to ride you like a big stupid bucking bronco until you give me what I need, all right? Because I am running out of time, damn it, and I am going to have a child. So lucky, lucky freakin' you! You get to donate to the cause of bringing a new perfect esper baby into this world – and I bet it will be able to easily out-match you by the time it's six months old, and - and... Well?" She put her hands on her hips, suddenly out of breath.

He didn't say anything for a moment. Then he popped open his stupid mouth and let out the only retort he could have possibly conjured after letting the wheels turn for a full five and a half minutes. "Oh."

Pure genius.

For a moment Tatsumaki questioned her own sanity, before rolling her eyes, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him towards the open bedroom door. He followed her without another infuriating word – which was something she supposed she could be grateful for.

She pushed against his chest, flinging him down onto the unmade futon. Saitama found himself sitting down there awkwardly, his head tilted back as he looked up at her - something she knew he wasn't used to doing, the bastard.

She snorted in disgust, reaching out to work the buttons on the collar of his shirt with some anime character on it.

"Really," she muttered under her breath. "You can't even be any real help, can you?…"

"Uh, Midget?"

"Hey, asshole! I'm not a damn midget! And I'm trying to -"

He reached up and touched her wrists. Tatsumaki paused her beginning tirade in surprise, looking down at him and pursing her lips as if she didn't know what to make of the situation. She tugged on her hands to pull them back, but he held surprisingly fast and recaptured them near instantly.

"So... You aren't even going to buy me dinner first, midget?" he asked, a small, dumb smile spreading across his annoying face. He was far too pleased with his unfunny joke. Still, it was probably the most clever thing he'd said all year, Tatsumaki was sure. Not that she would ever praise him at anything.

Instead, she wanted to smack him, or sling him against the wall using her abilities, she really did. "You think this is a game? A big joke? I'll have you know that mmmpfh - - "

She hadn't noticed he had placed one hand against the back of her head, fingers getting tangled in her bright green curls and was gripping them at the base until he tugged her down, closing the distance between them and crashing their lips together.

* * *

She felt him collapse into an empty spot next to her. She didn't think much of it until she felt an arm wrap around her chest and pull her close with almost crushing force. Tatsumaki's eyes widened but she did not struggle against the grip. What the fuck was he thinking?! She really should have turned around and socked him in dead in the face, but her excuse for not doing so was just that she was too amazed at the fact that apparently, Saitama was a snuggler.

She let herself stiffly rest against his chest, waiting for his breathing to fall back to an even pace while her own senses caught back up with her.

Come to think of it, she should deck him in the jaw. If for no other reason than appearance's sake, even if it was only the two of them here.

She did not turn around. She was not going to push her face into his chest and breathe in his stinky, dollar-store cologne and be all soft and feminine just because of what had transpired between them.

She was also certainly not going to wonder exactly why he had let this happen so easily, not even putting up a fight once. Because, if she did let her mind wonder then she would have found her head swimming with questions and possibilities; the most egregious being...did Saitama like her?

Nope and nope! Tatsumaki was not going to go down that awful, complicated road, so just when her mind started to proceed in that direction she readjusted her thought process. She wanted a child, Baldy could give her one and in the process get a good lay. There was nothing more to it than that. And furthermore -

Tatsumaki's intense ramblings were jolted.

She felt his chest rumbling - as if snoring but not quite. Then she realized he was humming so earworm of a tune. Softly, dumbly.

This guy was such a moron.

"So," Saitama yawned too loudly in her ear. "What are we going to name the baby?"

Tatsumaki did not respond. She only furrowed her brows and elbow chucked him harshly.

What was she going to name the baby, indeed? It didn't matter at this stage. What a stupid question. What a stupid man.

She prayed to whatever god or gods that may or may not exist that the child she hopefully carried wouldn't be nearly as dumb as the man next to her.

She also prayed for it to have her hair genes, too.

After some thought, she decided to look into hair replacement therapy online when she got home just in case.


End file.
